Rating: 3 of 5 Cursed hands
Wasn’t sure going in, teenagers doing stupid things with cursed objects is overdone, and seldom well done. And, certainly the start of the movie is thick with it, gotta bite your lip and not yell “you stupid kids!” Kids keep poking at the evil until it pokes back hard, and gets pretty chilling. Nothing really unexpected, although they try to hint at a deeper plot, it never really gets fleshed out.

Rating: 5 of 5 apple ice creams
Another demonic possession movie? Yawn. But… Not so fast! This is scary. It’s also introspective, and explores human reactions to unknown horrors. Being an Argentinian film, many things which are simply not done in American Horror (or you’d risk an adult-only rating) are free game. That means all bets are off, and scenes you’d expect are just tense, get horrific in an instant. Not for the squeemish, and keep that cuddle blanket close.

Rating: 4 of 5 talking animals
Well this was unexpected. Ryan Reynolds not playing Ryan Reynolds (mostly). Expected a comedy, given Anna Kendrick also starring in the film, but nope. At best, a black comedy, but deep into the black, light on the comedy. Not quite a horror film, but Jerry (Reynolds) has issues, hearing voices from his pets and others. It’s captivating, you want to see how it all plays out. The ending, pretty good, actually.

Rating: 3 of 5 doors
Pretty good chapter in the never ending Insidious franchise. This one mostly focusses on the son, so that’s a refreshing change. It’s got your usual collections of scary stuff, just out of focus background terrors, and plenty of jump scares. All in all, a fine, if unnecessary, addition.

Rating: 2 of 5 plucked eyeballs
Pros: Better than Terrifier 1. A really scary clown. Cons: Stereotypically idiotic “victims”. Seriously, if these people hadn’t acted so stupidly, it could have gotten 4 eyeballs.

Rating: 3 of 5 jump scares
Weird thing, I was enjoying the movie as an atmosphereic horror film, with interesting photography and camera angles, well done sets, and the occasional jump scare. Plot wasn’t really complex, evil from the first film is back and spreading. About half-way through, I realized the young girl was not a younger version of the main character, and it was then I realized, I had no idea what was going on, since the scenes with the young character was NOT in fact flashbacks.

Rating: 4 of 5 Smoke filled station wagons
Wasn’t expecting a lot, but this time travel horror/comedy has great writing, well acted, lots of 80’s memorabilia, and was also scary and bloody. It also gets a big shout out for the quick Monty Python and the Holy Grail visual gag.

Rating: 5 of 5 undead
A train. Fast and furious undead. Superb practical special effects. Scary and intense and bloody. If you like zombie flicks, it’s a must watch.

Rating: 4.5 of 5 greys
Geesh, saying just about anything would be a spoiler that I’m glad I didn’t have. Knew nothing about this going in, other than Steven King saying it was really good, and the poster looking like some light beam was levitating someone up. Spoiler free review, it’s scary, and reveals the story slowly, but with plenty of good frights in between. Once you get the various bits of the story, you understand pretty much everything that’s gone on.

Rating: 3 of 5 psycho killers
This’ll be quick. It’s a B movie about a sentient car tire that goes on a killing spree. That’s it. The entire plot. All in all, kinda fun.

Rating: 5 of 5 projectile vomits
Can’t really spoil the plot. There’s a kid, they’re possessed, Russell Crowe is called in to make things better. Hillarity ensues. But, in this case, it’s really well done. It’s scary, creepy, a little bit mysterious, and pacing moves along quite well. Crowe pulls off an excellent performance as an Italian priest, the supporting cast supports, although they don’t get a lot of character definition. One of the best demonic possession films to show up in years.

Rating: 4 of 5 severed limbs
I expected a ridiculous film. I wasn’t disappointed. It’s bloody, gory, funny, and slightly dramatic. If for no other reason, you should see it because it’s Ray Liotta’s last film. Plot is about as simple as you get. There’s cocaine, a bear finds it, the bear gets a little frisky. I laughed, I cringed, I felt empathy for the bear. I could get all judgy and complain about how if this is entertainment, our society has failed, but basically, this is just a spin on Cujo, which many people consider a classic.

Rating: 3 of 5 cabins
Being an M. Night film, don’t want to say much, easy to spoil something you may not have seen coming. But I liked it. It was moody and creepy and had memorable visuals. Given the wild variability of the quality of his films, on the Shyamalan scale, it gets a 4 of 5. But on the regular scale, just a 3.

Rating: 4.5 of 5 non-Asimov robots
A rare combo of creepy, funny, and scary. All done pretty well. A few surprises, well done effects, and good acting all around. Came in not expecting a lot, since most all recent horror attempts weren’t great. This was refreshingly entertaining.

Rating: 2 of 5 Necronomicons
A big fan of the first 3, featuring Bruce Campbell, I don’t expect much from the continued sequels, even though Bruce and Sam Rami are involved as producers. Just to say, my bar is pretty low for these remakes. This started out pretty well, good visuals, a cursory nod to the original general plot. But, about halfway through, it just fizzled. More of the same, repeated, didn’t keep up with the scary bits.

Rating: 4 of 5 jump scares
Hope you like jump scares, ‘cause this is the definition of a jump scare flick. Also has a pretty good plot, and at least they had a reason for the film being dark (see the title for a hint).

Rating: 3 of 5 zomcoms
A zombie rom com. A pretty average comedy, riding almost entirely on Aubry Plaza’s talent for playing manic characters. Some really funny moments early on, it gets a bit tragic in the third act.

Rating: 2 of 5 Tube men
Avoided any information about this, so I wouldn’t have any secrets spoiled. Won’t give away any here. Thought it was just OK. It had some striking visuals, but motivations, or any real character development, was iffy. Story is either increadibly simplistic, or incredibly confusing, and I’m still not sure which. It had an ending, but if I understood what was going on, it was almost a “oops, we’re out of time/money, gotta wrap it up.

Rating: 5 of 5 jump scares
Excellent horror/thriller. Starts in a rainstorm, with an overbooked short-term rental. Slowly unravels some details, but only enough to keep you wondering what’s going on. Then, it gets creepy. Um, really creepy. As more is revealed, you realize it’s not a cookie cutter thriller. And, it was suprising (and creepy) all the way to the end.

Rating: 3 of 5 Corpses
Lots of action, doesn’t let up much. Not a very intricate plot, but Elba is a solid lead, and Serkis is a bad bad guy. Some very disturbing visuals, and a lot of corpses.

Rating: 4 of 5 Haunted Houses
As Stefan from SNL says “This movie has everything!”. It’s got a haunted house, a family working out family issues, drama, comedy, action. There are car chases, human chases, police, a secret government agency, a murder myster, Tig Notaro, and a ghost. All in all, an enjoyable flick good enough to overlook its flaws.

Rating: 4 of 5 Quarks
A pretty fun post-apocalyptic romp with comedians. Fun cameos, it has Barry Bostwick, Armin Shimerman, plus the evil Mayor from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in it. A pretty well written and acted comedy, no real spoilers, a couple goes through an apocalypse of unknown origin. Hilarity ensues. Obviously a shoestring budget, you don’t expect to see actors you recognize in movies this low budget. Given the length of the “special thanks” list, they might have financed with individual donations.